An Important Missing Piece...

Deb and I had a chance yesterday to sit with a counselor at the Radiation Therapy office. (Have I mentioned before that the folks there really have their act together? It just seems more and more true as time goes on!)

Anyway, it occurred to me as I was sitting down in her office that yes, this was a piece to my recovery that I had been truly missing:

-- I've been following the information, advice and guidance of my doctors as carefully as I could. But that's mainly brain work. As well as common sense.

-- And I've been distracting myself with these wonderful Terry Pratchett books, Soduku puzzles, computer games and other brain-oriented stuff.

But other than Diane's wonderful CD's with Guided Imageries and vocalized Affirmations, I had not been working much on the mind-body connection. That is, using my imagination, my feelings, my soul to come to the aid of my ailing body.

The counselor, who is herself a 20-year cancer survivor, helped me explore this issue, and we talked about the unhelpful thoughts, ideas, and feelings that I've been carrying around with me since I first heard the cancer diagnosis. God bless her, she's even given me a homework assignment to complete by next week: a list of "Ten Things that I Think" in parallel to a list of "Ten Things that I Feel."

Why have I distracted myself this way? Oh, probably because I really haven't wanted to think about having cancer. I haven't wanted to explore my feelings on the subject. And so I bury myself in mental activities that feel pretty good -- and are oh, so familiar.

But the price of these activities is not engaging what may be the most powerful agents available in the quest to be cancer-free. Which is to say, my own internal resources. Anecdotal stories abound concerning how important attitude and positive imagery are to recovery.

When Lisa and Gus were visiting the other week, we started to explore this topic, and I expressed a lack of enthusiasm for getting into this touchy-feely part of therapy. And they said, practically in unison, "Well, you're simply not ready for it yet."

But now I think I am. I am listening to the Affirmations on Diane's CD's more carefully now. And have ordered several works by Joan Borysenko, who works a lot with this mind/body connection. And my prayers have a new tone -- asking new questions, making new requests and giving thanks for new insights.

I feel that I have a golden opportunity ahead in my last two chemo sessions and last full week of radiation therapy. If I'm ever to get the connection firmly established, this will be the time. (And, of course, the time after the external therapies are finished and I will be in remission...)

Connecting to my heart has always been a problematical issue for me. Sometimes it comes so easily. Without thought or effort. And sometimes the door to my heart seems bolted, no, welded shut. I'm beginning to understand that why this is true can not be successfully examined, parsed, analyzed and dissected by my mental facilities. My brain. Heart issues need to be resolved with the heart and by the heart. And with resolution of those issues, a powerful force of healing in unleashed.

And that's what I want. That't the missing piece in my journey to full recovery -- and the best way to avoid recurrence of the cancer.

Prayers are, as always, deeply and gratefully appreciated. Thank you for being with me on this journey.