Reclaiming my Life

Some day soon, I want to tell you about the Angel in the Sandwich Shop who found me sobbing over a grilled chicken pita, but not right now. Right now, I want to tell you about some advice she gave me:

In our conversation, she said: "Randy, there are lots of things you should do in order to fight your cancer successfully. But every bit as important, there is something you need to be. You need to be who you truly are. You need to be Randy now more than ever in your life. Who are you really? And what does that mean you have to do? Then do that!!"

And one consequence of this conversation was the following realization: For the first couple of weeks after my surgery -- back when I was sleeping 16 hours a day -- I would evaluate any potential activity based on this question: "Do I feel up to doing this?" A perfectly sensible question at the time.

But I had been hanging on to this question for too long. And framing my activities by thinking about my limitations had diminished me. I had started defining myself more and more in terms of my disease.

And here's the kicker: by becoming not much more than my disease, I cut myself off from all the love, the caring, the prayers, the compassion, that you, Dear Reader, have been sending my way. I started seeing all your good wishes framed by "Well, all that is quite nice, but I'm still sick. And I might die from this illness."

And what my Angel in the Sandwich Shop helped me see was that I needed to change my question from: "Am I up to doing this?" to "Is there any reason why I shouldn't do this?" And there is an immense gulf between these two questions. Believe it!

The internal transformation has been huge. I feel that am no longer The Patient. I am Randy Lyons again. The juggler -- and the guy who runs the jugglers club. The mighty dinosaur hunter and dinosaur lecturer. The loving spouse. The good friend. The best brother and son that I know how to be. The human being enthusiastically drinking in all that life can offer me.