I think it happens to everyone. And probably pretty often. You've had a bad cut or bruise, a broken arm, a case of poison ivy, a lousy head cold -- something that throws you seriously off your normal stride. Something that demands extra attention and inconveniences you in the most inconvenient way.
But then one day-- in just a moment -- you just know that the injury or illness will resolve itself. You may still be suffering the effects, but something 'way down deep inside gives you a promise that the time is coming soon that the suffering will be over. And that changes everything. A new energy blossoms from that promise. A new confidence in today and tomorrow. Another reason to rejoice at being alive. Another reason to be thankful.
Well, that moment came to me this morning concerning my cancer treatments. I knew I was getting better, and I've mapped out in a recent blog posting the steps to recovery. And that was all fine and well, but kind of "out there." Clinical. Almost impersonal.
But what came to me (around 3:30 AM...) was that internal confirmation that means everything. Yes, my tongue still hurts. Yes I still need to wear a compression stocking to keep my leg blood clot under control. Yes, I still need to eat using a plastic tube to my stomach. Yes, my mouth still fills with heavy mucus from time to time. Yes, my neck still needs time to heal. Yes, I'm still woozy and shaky from the chemo. And on and on.
But none of that matters nearly so much now. These things had been in the forefront of my awareness: taking special care of my tongue and mouth, trying to schedule in all six cans of Jevity, trying to get some daytime sleep since I'm still waking up every two hours at night, slathering a thick ointment on my neck and getting it all over my shirts...
But now these are background issues. They're okay, and they're fading. And now space opens up for revisiting and reopening parts of my life that have been on hold. And exploring to see what else has opened to me over the last several months.
I am returnng to normal, but I will never be the same.
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Nice. Well done.
ReplyDeleteJohn
Randy -
ReplyDeleteDad and I are going to church this morning and I will send out a prayer of gratitude for you. We have come full circle.
love
martha
Randy,
ReplyDeleteI am so grateful for your inner knowing of your Wellness! I loved how you said you are "returning to normal, but will never be the same". I think that is a good description of meeting this whole thing with your beautiful open heart and in your truth. I believe that Deb will not be the "same" and niether will your relationship. Something so profoundly deep has moved and happened in you thoughout your cancer treatments and recovery. You ARE Randini the Remarkable, as I think Ellen siad in a previous post. I also loved seeing you as Randini and greatly enjoyed the video. I can only imagine how touched and excited the staff at the treatment facility was to see your performance. So cool for you, too!
Perhaps you and the lady that plays the accordian can exchcange lessons...then you can play at Chovy's for all of us :)
Love,
Diane
Did I get this right--in spite of chemo and radiation and all, you just did a JUGGLING performance? Are you absolutely sure you were born on planet Earth?
ReplyDeleteEileen
BRAVO!
ReplyDeleteGlad you are feeling on a path of increased rather than decreased health.
ReplyDeleteYour returnign to normal reminds me for all the world of the very old joke about the man who had surgery and aksed his doctor, "Hey doc,will I be able to sing when I recover?" the doctor say sure and the man say wow thats great because I couldnt sing before. " somethign like that- you can get the drift- anyway, will be SO glad to have you soon done all this "nonsense" and back to "normal"
Ellen
(That's funny, he was never normal before)
ReplyDeleteRandy,
ReplyDeleteI'm so grateful for your posts...not the reason that you are sharing them, of course, but for the posts themselves. In your own journey, despite all of its challenges, you have shared so much with the rest of us. Thank you for that...bless you for that. Our thoughts are with you and Debbie every day.
Love - Jan and Art
CONGRATULATIONS! If I am following correctly, today marked your final radiation whammy so all efforts from here on out focus on ressurecting the proper cells instead of destroying all of them!!!!
ReplyDeleteHappy Easter!
Ellen